Friendly Notices! from Your Homeowners Association

Date: November 2, 2018
Re: Courtesy Notice – Halloween decorations

Dear Eleanor Gardens Homeowner:

As you are aware, the Board of Directors wants to ensure that our community is an extraordinary place to live, and in order for this to continue enforcement of the Rules and Regulations is necessary to maintain property values and the high quality of our neighborhood.

We regret to advise you that there has been complaint regarding Halloween decorations adorning your unit after the holiday has passed. Please remove the gourds, gravestones, and ghosts (see attached photos) from your property immediately.

We request that you be in compliance with the Homeowners Association’s Rules and Regulations as stated under window, balcony, and outside wall violations so that no further action is necessary.

Please contact us if there are extenuating circumstances. Thank you in advance for your anticipated cooperation in this matter.

Sincerely,

Caleb White, HOA President
Don Greensborough, Board President

Date: November 3, 2018
Re: Courtesy Notice – Strong smells

Dear Twin Oaks Homeowner:

As you are aware, the Board of Directors wants to ensure that our community is an extraordinary place to live and in order for this to continue enforcement of the Rules and Regulations is necessary to maintain property values and the high quality of our neighborhood.

We regret to advise you that there has been complaint regarding overpowering smells emanating from your unit. We suggest you close your windows, and please enjoy pungent foods during the designated times (2 pm-4 pm).

We request that you be in compliance with the Homeowners Association’s Rules and Regulations as indicated under nuisances, noxious, offensive, or unsightly conditions so that no further action is necessary.

Please contact us if there are extenuating circumstances. Thank you in advance for your anticipated cooperation in this matter.

Sincerely,

Caleb White, HOA President
Colleen Jacobson-Baker III, Board President

Date: November 30, 2018
Re: Courtesy Notice – Dog waste

Dear Lake Oswego Heights Homeowner:

As you are aware, the Board of Directors wants to ensure that our community is an extraordinary place to live and in order for this to continue enforcement of the Rules and Regulations is necessary to maintain property values and the high quality of our neighborhood.

We regret to advise you that there has been complaint regarding picking up and disposing of your dog’s waste that was found behind the clubhouse on Tuesday afternoon. We require that you remove the feces immediately. This is your third and final notice.

We request that you be in compliance with the Homeowners Association’s Rules and Regulations as indicated under Pet – failure to leash or pick up pet waste so that no further action is necessary.

Please contact us if there are extenuating circumstances. Thank you in advance for your anticipated cooperation in this matter.

Sincerely,

Caleb White, HOA President
William K. Kearney, Board President

Date: Dec 1, 2018
Re: Courtesy Notice – Dog waste

Dear Will and Assface:

It is NOT my dog’s shit. Now, I’m no “dog detective,” but it seems odd to me that a small dog (a dachshund) would be continuously accused of what looks like a VERY LARGE amount of shit for a dog of its size! If my dog was shitting that much, I would have taken her to the doctor by now.

I don’t like to speculate, but Tom’s overfed greyhound over in H201 would more likely be the culprit or how about Gigi’s monstrous chocolate lab near the front gate, now those dogs are your heavy shitters.

Quit sending me these goddamn letters. I wipe my hands of this fecal matter.

R. Pickford, H212

Date: December 8, 2018
Re: Dog waste

Dear Lake Oswego Heights Homeowners:

It has come to our attention that some homeowners are not in compliance with the Rules and Regulations of Lake Oswego Heights regarding the proper disposal of their pets’ waste. Therefore, starting December 26, all dogs will be required to undergo a DNA test in the presence of a Lake Oswego Heights staff member. The procedure is quick and painless; it involves a cotton swab of the inside of the animal’s mouth.

After January 1, 2018, when residents or staff discover dog waste, a sample will be taken and sent to our private DNA contractor for immediate identification. Once identification of the guilty dog is made, the owner will be charged the DNA Identification Fee ($50), plus a processing fee ($10), as well as the costs of cleaning up the waste ($20- $35 depending on the amount).

The office is now available for scheduling DNA appointments. Thank you in advance for your cooperation in this matter.

Sincerely,

Caleb White, HOA President
William K. Kearney, Board President

11 replies on “Discover Prompts, Day 23: Note

    1. 😛 😀 Heh, heh. Gotta love those HOAs, only a special group know the absurdity but at the same time I understand why we have them!

      Like

  1. I’ve definitely thought about this myself when I see dog poo in the parking lot xD If there was some way to identify the owner and then pick the poo and smear it all over their door…

    Like

    1. Oh my god, you’re evil. 😀 Yeah, dog poo problem around the world, I tell you!

      Actually, the DNA testing is real 😛

      Like

  2. This was hysterical, Lani! What a fun way to tell a story, epistolary stuff is tricky but you did it really well. Also aware of the annoyance (yet I have to remind myself, help too!) of HOAs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Had to look up “epistolary” – hahahhaa, thanks.

      HOAs – I totally get them, I really do. It just takes one stupid neighbor to ruin the neighborhood, right? But since I used to work for an company that managed HOAs? Yeahhhh, what a circus.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. The letters posted on the communal boards at the HOA center always make me laugh. (There was a recent circus over Christmas about the needles falling off the pine trees being disposed after the holiday season at my sister’s place lol.)

        And epistolary! Fun word. 😀

        Liked by 1 person

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