Social distancing isn’t just the hottest catchphrase, it’s also a new way of life after COVID-19.
• My kid can’t beat up your kid anymore. In fact, with these masks on I can’t tell which one is my kid.
• Siblings no longer need to draw an invisible line in the backseat of cars, a plastic shield has been erected instead. #sayitdontsprayit
• Sharing staples, scissors, or pens in the office now involve a quick but thorough spritz from an alcohol spray bottle before the hand off. (It’s you not me. I mean, I don’t think it’s me. Is it me?)
• Doughnut days in the break room require Bring Your Own Rubber Gloves (BYORG) before touching the baker’s dozen. (No touchy!)
• Masks are encouraged in banks, but unfortunately so are urine and blood samples for identification purposes. (Awww, I just did this yesterday.)
• Picking up coffee for the gang in accounting – OKAY! Taking sips from Janice’s mint latte without her knowledge – NOT OKAY! (It was never okay, but it’s really not okay, Steve.)
• For Halloween this year, consent will be needed to knock on neighbors doors or ring the doorbell. Actually, it’s probably best for you kids to yell ‘Trick or Treat’ from the curb. Then neighbors can bazooka-blast candy in your general direction. (Face shields recommended.)
• Cinema and fast food drive-ins (hello, Sonic) see a resurgence – as well as chaperones for romantic dates.
• Children playing outside, in their yards, or a boy in a bubble is no longer considered a strange sight.
• Instead of cops saying, “could you please step away from the vehicle” they’ll be saying, “could you please get back in your car, sir”…
• Robots are used to relay coy messages and phone numbers in pubs and bars.
• The NFL becomes flag football. (But don’t worry, fresh new flags replace the ones that have been pulled off.)
• NBA and NHL players are required to wear inflatable sumo wrestling suits. (Get ready to roll!)
• School teachers are finally given the authority to kick out coughing, sneezing, or annoying students from the classroom.
Life, the Universe, and Lani 
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