You can’t get out of these. You’ve already tried. You’ve bailed before, Haley’s birthday, Tom and Peter’s housewarming, your grandma’s 90th, so you’re stuck. You’ve ranted and raved to your stuffed animal collection (family), drank it off but stopped after two glasses of wine (wuss), and passed out in a fear-induced stupor (typical).

In the morning, the headache reminds you of your commitment to “party” and “be social”. You could “lean into it” as your dad says, or you could panic until the dreaded day of the parties arrives. You’ve got three this year. THREE. Instead of hyperventilating, like you usually do, you grab your rainbow + unicorn-themed sketchpad and decide to brainstorm some ideas to get you through the holiday season.

AT THE PARTY:

Closing your eyes, you visualize all the people. Oh, my god, oh, my, god, oh my god. STOP! Focus on the Christmas tree. Breathe. Pretty. You start drawing a Christmas tree…

The Christmas Tree – Pretend you’re a Christmas tree – ??? Wear dark green from head to toe. Admire the ornaments, talk to the ornaments, give the ornaments names. Look for your name in the gift tags, count how many gifts each person has received, rearrange presents.

Look busy in the kitchen – Maybe you could arrange a cheese platter very carefully. Or bring uncut vegetables and dip to make, so you have an excuse to be there, while you act like you haven’t cut veggies or arranged cheese in your entire life.

Explore the house or apartment – After having been kicked out of the kitchen, you could take a long stroll around the garden. No, scratch that, smokers hang outside, and you know how much smoke makes you sneeze.

Hide somewhere?

Volunteer to go get extra ice or chips – After the studio apartment or office party tour, try to get someone’s attention, or just leave (???) saying you forgot some corn chips? Would anyone notice if you never came back? Probably not. You stab the sketchpad with your pen.

Wear a conversation piece – You picture some of your favorite cat sweaters and wonder if they might help spark conversations. Could the right sweater ease any awkwardness you’d encounter when humans come up to converse?

“Oh, hey, Amanda. How are you?”

You point to your sweater.

“Ah yeah, I noticed that. Did you make it? Is that a giraffe or llama or…?”

You roll your eyes, “it’s a cat.”

Stock up on cat photos on your phone – Could be another way to fill the void. You have some pretty fabulous ones of Ginger and Mr. Boots wearing Halloween costumes (2015-2019). Epic! You see everyone around you laughing as you swipe to reveal the GOT’s cast of characters ala cat fashion show.

Read your latest poetry or bone up on knock-knock jokes – You remember reading about how important sharing is for making friends and meaningful connections. You’ve always wanted to go to open mic night, but maybe at the company Christmas party, you could try out a few poems among semi-familiar faces. For example, The Joker is My Soulmate could be read before secret Santas are revealed. You tap your pen against your chin and ponder the possibilities.

Hide in the closet and make sex noises anytime you think you hear someone outside the door – This would be for desperate measures like that time you went to Christina’s housewarming. And after obligatory introductions, everyone continued to ignore you. The sting of rejection is still something that makes you feel rotten to this day. It was rude to leave so soon, you had no excuses, and Chris was in eyesight. You practice making sexy noises until Mr. Boots tries to claw your face.

Make yourself sick, so you have a genuine excuse not to go out. Yes.

 

Merry Christmas everybody!

20 replies on “Outwit, outplay, surviving the holidays as an introvert

  1. I’ve done the whole kitchen thing more than a few times in my life. I once took it a big leap further. After a few glasses of courage, I once picked up a platter of appetizers at a catered party and mingled around the room with it. All I had to do was offer an appetizer, smile brightly, and offer general greetings.

    Neither my hostess or the hired wait-staff were impressed.

    It’s hard being an introvert at a social function.

    Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahahaha! Now, that’s blending in!

      Yes, the kitchen. I do enjoy hiding where the food is at 🙂 or standing at the table where the food is at, thereby ‘nervous eating’ until I’ve become disgusted with myself. Hahahhaa.

      Happy Holidays, Joanne! xxoo

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Well put! I would also re-arrange the ornaments on the tree. Thanks for the giggle and feeling that there are others out there that get me. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. xoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Glad you liked it. Sat on it for awhile because I wasn’t sure if it made sense. (mad scientist laugh)

      Miss you too, but I love seeing your social updates. Life looks good. Happy holidays! xxoo

      Like

    1. OMG. You are so right. I have totally forgotten about the phone. I’m revealing my generation here because to me being on the phone in certain situations – like a party – is rude. But what do I know?

      Like

  3. I can certainly relate to that feeling. Tried to socialize but was feeling so fake. Maybe next time I will bring a board game, like Monopoly or something takes a looooong time to play. And I will be the banker.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think board games are a great way to get everyone involved in a party. It gives folks things to do. And introduces everyone as well. Good idea 🙂

      Like

  4. All great ideas. I’m also a big fan of plain, old-fashioned ghosting. Just leave and send your thanks/apologies later via text. NO ONE likes saying goodbye to people at a party anyway!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. No! These are horrible humorous ideas. Do not try them! Hahahhaa.

      Funnily I’ve only ghosted if I’ve made an attempt to say goodbye to the host and it didn’t work.

      Hope you are having a nice holiday, Heather!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Hahaha! These are so funny, Lani!! 😄 (And kind of sound familiar, except the last one, need to try this out next time. 😉) But I hope your holidays were lovely and that you didn’t need to fall back on your wonderful ideas. 😄 How about checking out the wallpaper colour beforehand, dress yourself in the same colour and stand before a wall? 😂

    Liked by 1 person

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