Asian wearing offensive glasses

How to be an Edgy and Thought-Provoking Asian American

// Own the Bowl Haircut – Why should childhood trauma still haunt you? Bring a bowl to the salon and tell them to do it. Bonus points if you are a woman or you do it at home. Post on social media. #iamthebowl

// Eat raw ramen out of the package at a public space like the bus or the park, and stare down anyone who makes eye contact. In fact, just stare down anyone while you break off pieces of ramen to feed your inner hungry ghost. And yes, yes, put the seasoning on it. You’re not an animal.

// Wear radical t-shirts! For example, Fermented fish is my jam; Made in America; #iamthebowl; Keep away, I have the Chinese disease – dragonass!

// Launch into a soliloquy about Chinese genocide, the Year Zero, or the honorable disembowelment of samurai warriors in dental waiting rooms or elevators.

// Go around telling people what their Asian tattoo means. It’s good to start gently, with a “That’s a shame” said under your breath or a “Tsk, tsk” accompanied by a head shake. (Do not point and laugh. We ran for ten blocks to avoid an ass-kicking.)

// Casually interject into conversations a quiet, rational, but fervent downplay of the amount of sugar in bubble tea drinks.

// Demand the repatriation of the U.S Railway system to the Chinese (and Irish, I suppose) who built the damn things. Bonus points for singing John Denver’s “I’ve Been Working on the Railroad” as a protest chant.

// Support local Asian American business by standing in front coaxing customers to come in and have a look. Bonus points for handing out fliers with the owners’ origin stories. “They’re slashing prices on all upright mahogany tables and bookcases by 50%…outrageous, right?”

// Learn to say select phrases in your family’s native tongue and shout them during sporting events, graduations, weddings, and crowded coffee shops. “Don’t cut the line!” “Can’t touch this,” “Light my cigarette”…

// At car washes and in front of window cleaners, mime “wax on, wax off” from The Karate Kid.

// Handout your Asian American friends’ resumes at the mall or Trader Joes.

// Enjoy a little wordplay when ordering at Asian restaurants. “Yes, I’ll have the chopstick suey,” or “Can I have the roll in the California style, err, no, like a caterpillar,” or try the direct translation of pad Thai, fried Thai. Pad Thai? No, FRIED Thai, F-R-I-E-D Thai, Fry Thai, Fry the Thai! Shout if misunderstood; works for mom.

// Call everyone “little sister” or “uncle”.

// Put a sign on your car that says, “Asian driver”, kick back, relax, and enjoy the wide berth on the highway.

19 thoughts on “How to be an Edgy and Thought-Provoking Asian American

  1. I could do the tattoo thing here in Spain. So many tattoos of Chinese characters that are wrong or ridiculous! However I am not Asian. Can I be a honorific Asian? Hahaha!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, really? I would have never guessed that about Spain. And yes, you are an honorific Asian. I thought the Club already sent you your membership card? 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh, I enjoyed this so much! There are so many things in here I could relate to 🙂 I giggled especially at the sugar content of bubble tea and the tattoos. I just heard a story about someone who got a tattoo that didn’t make any sense because the person never got it checked by someone!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, good! You never know, when attempting to be funny how things will turn out. 😛 Bangkok Post recently put out an article on the insane sugar content of bubble tea, along with how much sugar Thais are consuming. It’s outrageous. Something like 28 teaspoons and the World Health Organization recommends 6.

      Tattoos! I suppose Asians should be flattered that so many folks like the exotic look of Chinese characters and Asian images, but gotta get those things right, right? Hahahaha.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Your humour definitely came through 🙂 YES! I found boba to make my own at home because that’s the only way I can control the sugar…but damn, that store-bought is just the best~ 🙂 Hahaha, you would think!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Gosh Lani, thanks for the big smile!! I too am waiting for my RR reparation payment. Irish in my case.Truth be told I would be happy with some 50% off coupons or a Walmart gift card. I would most defiantly use the card for a new Tupperware set; finding the perfect sized bowl for my Walmart Beauty Center haircut and Walmart Photo Studio glam session. Of course all the while noshing from a family size box of Lucky Charms!! You may call me a dreamer, but I’m not the only one!!! ♥

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You always make me laugh, so I’m glad I could return the favor. Why yes, now that you mention it, a Walmart gift card is the gift that keeps on giving, now isn’t it? One stop shopping for all Americans! Thanks for everything! Now, here’s a card, knock yourself out, kid.

      Like

  4. All these things are sooo Asian! Definitely have had the bowl haircut when I was a kid. Eating ramen raw out of the packet is such a guilty pleasure thing to do. If you like eating noodles that way there are ramen noodles junk food snacks like Mamee Monster – and I still eat this these days 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Just the other day one of my students was snacking on raw ramen. The tiny package looked like it was specifically made for that purpose. 😛

      I think everyone had the bowl haircut! Hahaha. At least, I remember my brother did.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Actually, I think I have the bowl haircut now, short version. We saw a little one-year-old leaving the restaurant today, and her hair looked just like mine. Raw ramen: NO. Telling people what their tattoo mean: YES! I like your cool glasses.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. 😆 Oh, how I’ve missed your humor. It’s good to be back in the blogosphere for a strong draught of Laniverse. Have already mastered steps #2 and #5. Looking forward to practicing #9 and #13.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey, thanks! What a lovely compliment to read in the morning (or any time of day). I was a little scared to put this one out there because I was afraid of how it would be received. Glad the funny bits came through. 😛 And remember practice makes perfect!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. hahahaah the sugar in bubble tea.. i dont know how many times i have discussed this on social media. it is a real thing, yo. LOLLLLLL. i sometimes get my drinks with ZERO sugar but everyone knows that the boba is steeps in crazy amts of sugar (and i also add egg pudding too so there’s more sugar). but it’s so gooodddd =)

    Liked by 1 person

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