Aw, man, I’ve been struggling this month. A lot of this is due to work. I have a great schedule this term, but I have a lot of lesson planning and preparation to do. I’ve also been in my head too much. Waaay too much.
// When I have had a chance to write, I haven’t liked anything I’ve said. I mean, not really, it sounds good enough when I start it, but then I knock it down for some reason. As a result, my desktop is littered with half-finished ideas. Time to archive!
// I have been making slow arduous progress on the book. But that involves mostly editing and connecting chapters. It feels like a big fat mess in the kitchen so far. And since I’ve been down this road before, I know after I get back editing notes from my friends, it will feel like an even bigger hotter mess.
// Lately, I have felt splintered between analyzing the past and fantasizing about the future. Aaaand this is not a good spot to be in. Yeah, I pretty much hate it. I’m in the ‘anywhere but here’ mode. Everything just seems to be rubbing my fur the wrong way. Fun!
// At first, I thought, yes, the period is coming. (No, okay, my first-first thought was I’m becoming pre-menopausal. Seriously. I think I’ve been waiting for it to pop out of the dark like a boogeyman and scare me into emotional hell.) Whatever it was, I wished it would just get here already and after it did, the curse, I didn’t receive this great relief from my angry chatterbox mind.
// Now just because I’m doing the #365grateful daily practice on IG doesn’t mean being grateful every day is easy, cause I can assure you it is not. Friends have told me how inspiring I am. And that’s nice. But I know, I can sound like a goody-goody at times and I certainly strive to take the high road in my interactions, but man, is it a struggle. Behind closed doors, I don’t feel like wonder woman, I feel like weeping woman, angry woman, leave-me-alone woman.
// The good news is the morning routine that I have set out for myself at the beginning of the year is still happening. I meditate (and boy, am I the shittiest meditator), do yoga (just a little) and write in my journal.
// Granted the world seems to be angry too, and avoiding it religiously has made me wonder if I’ve just internalized it.
// Part of this comes from not wanting to say something regrettable. Words have power. This is laughable for anyone who knows me because face-to-face, I’m a different story. My friend Iz has come up with a formula for my speech patterns, “Every fourth sentence, Lani, you’ll take it too far.” I’ve tried to convince her otherwise…
// This is only because I want to make people laugh. In another lifetime, I would have been a standup comedian.
// Honestly though, I think I’m just going through one of those messy phases in life. The ones that make you wonder what you’re getting all worked up about. The ones that force you to think, I need to figure out a better way or go crazy.
// An old friend from my archaeology days recently asked me, “Does Cambodia rock?” and as much as it was temping to give this idea that my life is amazing overseas, I had to say, “No, it doesn’t. Living in a developing country is challenging at times.” But I also added that I knew I’d look back at this time with different eyes, with a head and a heart that was humble because I had experienced a different point of view.
// Then my bf sent me this video because it reminded him of the #365grateful thing that I’m doing.
// After watching this, I thought, holy cannoli, I really need to get out of my head. Just a quick dose of perspective is what is sometimes needed. It aligned with how I was already planning the day, but now I wonder if my inner struggles is part of a journey towards greater mindfulness, awareness of how we can be our own worst enemies and how much I need to let go of this idea of control.
One of these days I’d like to get out of this spin cycle. I started to step away yesterday. I hope to continue walking away today.