Life, the Universe, and Lani

The ex just told me he is thinking of moving back to Chiang Mai.

Noooooooo!

So this got me thinking, what can I do to avoid stalking seeing him around town with his more Thai than me girlfriend?

I know!

I’ll write a post on how Chiang Mai sucks. 9 reasons. Let’s go.

1. It’s a small city. It takes about an hour and a half to walk around the outside of the moat for calorie burning purposes.

2. During March they burn all the hill tribes mountains, creating awful pollution and health related problems. I got a sinus infection. And everyone wears masks, but not like in a sexy masquerade kind of way…more like, Oh God, I’m getting cancer of the lung kind of way.

3. Because it’s a small city, you run into the same folks over and over and over again. Like that guy you wished you hadn’t slept with. (True story, people want to sleep with me.)

4. Construction. Ubiquitous, like that smell. Drive you mad, it will.

5. Rabid street rabbits dogs. My friend Katie was attacked, in her own neighborhood too. It was kind of like this:

(Consequently, the ex didn’t like this movie. I know. Deal breaker. Seventh sign of Satan or something like that.)

6. Despite small city status, it’s surprisingly a real pain in the gohn yai to get around without a motorbike. My latest batch of friends had many problems with red trucks. Rot dangs are infamous for dropping off other passengers before you, and getting lost/not understanding where you want to go, and overcharging foreigners. Etc. Etc.

7. Pretentious expats abound. (Myself included. See: blog)

8. Traffic. Now you might think, whoa. But I think whoa too. You see, ever since the Great Flood of 2011, more Bangkokians have scurried up here, creating for the first time ANGRY Thai drivers. It’s a theory, but the fact is CM is getting more populated.

As a result, traffic is moving slower. This could also be attributed to more middle class Thais purchasing and “driving” cars/SUVs on roads that were not build for such volume. Throw in some construction and heat, and you’ve got yourself a basket case full of driving glory.

9. It’s a dusty town. (You were right, Itzco.) Studies have shown that nose picking rises by 32% upon relocation. Also what is not so commonly referred to as “dust in the eyes” is a problem further exacerbated while driving a motor bike/vehicle.

So you see dear readers, Chiang Mai is changing, growing, expanding, and with all that ballooning comes all the stuff we don’t like. Is it really worth relocating? Are you trying to get back together with me? Cause it won’t work…I’ve moved on.