Life, the Universe, and Lani

Hi, my name’s Lumberjack Dan, and I’m here to help you fellas get your balls in a row. Whether you’re at the starting gate (you’ve decided to move in with your long term girlfriend) or have been running the track nonstop (married with kids), I’ve got the answers to your needs.

But first, some qualifications. I’ve dated many, many, many women, been married three times, and remain friends with all of my exes and their children. My beard is thick and well-groomed. I can bench press 370 pounds on a Paleo diet, and 500 on a vegan one. Just to let you know that I’m an sensitive guy, I once held/cried on a guy after an ice climbing accident on Denali. We’re okay. Everyone’s okay, but wow, I almost shaved off a nut with that one.

In other words, I’m 100% a man’s man. And I want you to know that your balls are in safe hands. My big, strong, capable hands. Now it’s important in this game we call “marriage” and “commitment” that we understand the rules of the game but don’t call it a game to her, that’ll just piss her off.

Rule Number One: Stop Talking. If it’s one thing I’ve learned in all my relationships, it’s that women love to talk. Even the ones that are shy or introverted, they like to talk, too. In fact, they talk just as much as the outgoing ones because they keep all of their thoughts and feelings bottled up like that Davidoff cigar you’re holding on to for that special occasion.

Remember no matter how itchy your ball sack gets, keep your pie-hole shut. What I like to do is cup the boys, protect them while she’s blabbing on about the mess you made, or that time you stared at the waitress’s tits too long. (High five, buddy!) But don’t jock strap your nuts and squeeze your eyes shut, she can tell even if she’s not looking at you that you’re trying to “wish her away”.

Rule Number Two: Ask Questions. What? But Lumberjack Dan, you told us to go fetal, and slap a muzzle on it. Yes, I did, but after she stops yappin’ she’ll get all Exorcist-like if you don’t speak, so you have to say something that shows you’ve been paying attention. Alright calm down, hold up, I didn’t say you had to listen to her, but if you can get the gist of what she’s said, that’s helpful. Regardless, here are some handy questions you can ask.

1. What would you like me to do? or How can I help?
2. If she’s venting (and it’s not your fault), you can ask: Would you like me to give you a back rub? or Can I help with dinner tonight?
3. How does it make you feel? or How do you feel right now?

What these questions do is show your sensitivity, and give you something else to do other than continuously listen to her belabor the point. Or these questions can act like a cattle prod moving the soliloquy along. Sometimes though she won’t let you off the hook so quick, she wants to watch you wiggle. This is the equivalent of watching a train wreck or people trying to parallel park, so you can’t blame her, just sit on your balls, and suck it up like the man you are.

Rule Number Three: Being wrong is the new right. Now listen up soldier, this might go against everything your nut sack tells you, but in the end, you’ll come to realize how effective this punchline is. When we say, “I’m sorry” or “I was wrong” this is the martial arts version of a “cock block”. It confuses the attacker. They don’t expect you to sidestep out of the way or lower your guard.

In the instances where this enrages her because you’ve denied her the “wiggling on the hook” or “soap opera monologue”, you can return to rule one, two, or three as your countermoves.

Usually though, rule number three diffuses the situation, but I understand that it can be difficult to say those words especially when you know you are right. But consider the alternatives, more harping, more time away from watching the game, or finding out what happens to Joe on Impractical Jokers.

If you feel sick when you say, “I’m sorry,” or “I was wrong,” consider practicing your lines until it feels natural. Some men find drinking helps to break down those initial barriers, but I don’t like to rely on substances. Long commutes on the train, or in your car, or on the commode can be perfect opportunities, too. Without practice, you might end up laughing after saying these words which can result in a real earth-scorcher. Try walking away to hide your grin or channel that hysteria into tears instead.

You can do it. Good luck, and don’t forget to squeeze that ass for me, Lumberjack Dan. But you didn’t hear it from me. I’ll deny it. Thanks, bro.