I know why people are afraid of change. It takes them out of their grassy zone of comfort. Hey, it’s comfortable in comfort land, eating at the ground, chewing the cud!
Friends and kind folks who write to me about my blog (aka my life) think I’m real good at moving frequently, taking risks, but the truth is, I’m a scaredy cat along the way. That is to say, I’m often plagued by self-doubt, worry and stress. It’s not an “OH YEAH!” process for me. It begins as a contemplative moment as I review or look back at where I have been and the direction I’m going.
The idea of settling is unsettling for me. I’d rather climb up a mountain than brace myself for downhill. And I don’t do well wondering what might have been, when I could have been doing what I wanted to do. I know this always can’t be the case, but now I know why I don’t mind pursuing the opposite sex, I want to know. I like to try. I don’t mind failing. I fail often.
At the same time, I’m tiptoeing in a new direction, I’m not thinking at all. I know this is a vast contradiction, but I seesaw between thinking too much and going blank. When I do worry, it’s about the things I have to do. Logistics. Technical stuff. I review the steps, up and down, again and again, and when I have to depend on others, well, I double check.
When I’m venturing into new territory, I don’t over-research. It kills some of the magic, the mystery and the exploration. Before the Internet became such a sticky web, we didn’t really have a choice, and I think this habit has just stuck with me. I also don’t like to guess what will happen next, things hardly ever work out the way you predict. Now, I’ll entertain an idea or two, I’ll make some educated guesses, but because I exhaust myself worrying about the details, I don’t have any leftover energy to speculate other things.
I’m not a “expect the worst and hope for the best” kind of gal. I’m much more a “wait and see” Chiquita banana.
Regardless, I’m feeling pretty good about following my thinking-over-contemplative moments. When certain aspects of life turn bad corners, I immediately start thinking of alternatives. I’m a problem solver and sometimes when friends are hashing out their feelings, I start problem solving when they need a sympathetic listener. So I’ve learned to ask, do you want me to just listen or help you think of new ideas?
Although the big adjustment now with moving from Chiang Mai to Chiang Rai, is finding some sort of schedule or routine again. Starting work should help, it should provide a bit of an anchor, but I hope I start to find my balance again because starting over is pretty exhausting!
Life, the Universe, and Lani 
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