pablo

There is no denying it. I’m getting way older than my younger self ever imagined. I remember when we were kids and doing the math: How old would we all be in the year 2000? Wow! What about 2015? OMG. Ancient! I couldn’t fathom what anything beyond 25 would look like and if I did, I’m not sure what that would mean.

Now, this isn’t to say my life has been spiraling down ever since I graduated university, but, let’s just say, on paper, I look bad – real bad. However, to minimalists and renegades I’m doing alright. All this to say, I understand why we can’t see into the future, it’s to protect us from trying desperately to avoid hurt and sorrow and making mistakes – but we will anyways.

The problem is I don’t worry about the future. If I think about it then I feel like, yeah, I should be worried. Generally though, I stopped worrying somewhere in my twenties. I’m not sure why or how. You’re right, that’s not a good answer, but I think I just became a bigger person of faith. I stopped losing sleep over my credit card bill and started to believe that everything would be alright.

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This is not to say that I entered a state of heavy denial. I simply think that as you get older you realize how things are never what you expected and you can’t prepare for what you can’t expect. You start to let go of the imaginary reins a little and take in the really lovely moments with great intensity. And as a women (because I don’t know how it is for men), you start to like the way you look and have this confidence that you wished you had when you thought you were fat and imperfect and all that other bullshit.

Getting older, aging, rocking the ‘ol rocking chair is actually scary and wonderful. Right now, I feel quite attached to being alive. When you are younger, you don’t think about it too much because you are stupid and you don’t realize what you got. But now? I’m flinching at the sun, entertaining dark thoughts and hoping I get to be here long enough to live out my life’s purpose.

I understand the sentiment, “youth is wasted on the young” because when you are young you don’t realize how beautiful you naturally are. Your skin will never look better. Trust me. When you start getting those wrinkles, you are like OH, SHIT. I’ve got wrinkles and stretch marks above my knees, people. My knees. *sob* I’ve never been fat or gained/loss a great deal of weight so WHAT     THE    FRACK? (points if you know where I got that from)

I also understand why women get all botoxed up. They probably freaked out. It’s weird to look at your face and see it change. I know that people who knew me when I was much younger, look at me and think, “She’s getting older. It’s showing.” Family is GREAT for that. But I can’t help it, really and I’m learning to lean into this inevitably because I don’t have a choice and it sounds better if I say these kinds of things.

Look, I refuse to dye my hair. Yes, I’m getting that white streak on my right side, like a skunk, but I don’t want to have to deal with the upkeep like my grandma, bless her heart, who has magically had jet black hair for my entire life. I don’t want to put my birthday on FB anymore! I don’t want to change my damn skin care regime in the false hopes that the RoC crème will fill in those crinkles and lines! GAH!

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However, I have realized the importance of health. I’m not a health nutter, but I do alright. I’ve never been into drinking or hard drugs, yoyo dieting, but if I get hit by a Mack truck, I realize my health won’t matter. Sorry, there I go again, entertaining dark thoughts.

Okay, the bright side of aging. I stopped worrying about what other women think of me and it’s awesome. I know what I need. I know what I want and I know how to get it done and if I need to elaborate, I’m sorry, I won’t. I’ve finally accepted the way I look and I mean this in the best way possible. Big deal for us ladies, I don’t know why, but it is.

I’ve learned to lose some friends. I’m not afraid of my voice like I used to be and I could go on, but I don’t want you to think you’ve accidently picked up a Women’s Health magazine…(too late). The scary bits include, “Oh, God, I’m going to die!” and “When will the dark horse come get me like in that Young Guns movie?”

*sob*

[disclaimer: I am no where near 32]

51 replies on “Forever 32 (I’m getting old and it’s not looking pretty)”

  1. Remember to try and do/remember 2 things.
    1) Grow Old Gracefully
    2) Growing Older Beats The Alternative

    If you must try to emulate someone ….. Betty White.

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    1. 1) Not everyone can look as smashing as you and Lin.
      2) The Alternative!!!!!!!!! Did you see a horse coming?

      I can’t be Betty. I don’t have the patience to do my hair like hers… 😛

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  2. LOL, you think it is bad when people see you and think you are getting old. Wait a little longer and those same people will see you and not even recognize you. Not kidding, it gets weirder the longer you hang around. What an odd way to start every day, by looking in the mirror and wondering who the frack is that person in the mirror. Even I do not recognize me. It raises some really interesting questions about who I really am and what constitues my self. Not a single cell of my teen body still exists in me but I have a sense of continuity of being the same me over all of this time. So, yes, the philosopher in me greatly enjoyed this article of yours, as usual.

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    1. Your remark, “it gets weirder the longer you hang around.” made me laugh. Oh dear. I suppose for man it’s just as bad as for a woman, right?

      Although, society likes distinguised men. Of course, the balding thing must be REALLY tough. Not sure if you have that and I hope I haven’t put myself into dangerous territory.

      Oh dear. Yes, what are we if not matter? our minds?

      Thanks 🙂

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  3. I love this post on how women should accept ourselves for the way we look and who we are. I really wished you didn’t ended with a *sob*. Or was that sarcasm? Great timing too, since International Women’s Day is tomorrow 😛

    I’ve never feared getting old. Never really thought about it like many young people as you’ve implied. Maybe once I get a saggy face I will start to freak out. Then again, I’ve had lots of cellulite on my thighs for as long as I can remember and I have this strand of white hair on my head that’s been stuck on my head for the last three years. Oh, I’ve noticed by under-eye dark circles have gotten worse over the last couple of years. I think I look fine 😀

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    1. Thanks for letting me know about Women’s Day. Cool! And you, my dear, will always look young because you are so tiny.

      Yes, the *sobs* were sarcastic. I’m quite alright with the way I look and getting older is what we’re supposed to do. I consider myself a lucky one 😉

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      1. Tiny does has it’s advantageous, and I won’t deny I think it’s one factor making me look fairly young. But wait until wrinkles start popping up on my face, I certainly won’t look young then 😀

        Getting older, we get wiser and realiase there’s so much more important things than looks 🙂

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  4. You looking great, Lani. 🙂 Love your attitude and you’re so right! Happy birthday, by the way! I am also 32 years old! 😀 I have to thank my dad for the babyface. Hee. I look basically the same since high school.

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    1. I guess it sounds like I’m turning 32, eh? Well, I could kiss you on both of your cheeks for thinking that. I’m much older. I was being funny and now folks think it’s my birthday!

      You will probably always look young – thanks to your Dad 🙂 I on the other hand, look my age. Egats. xxoo

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    1. Oh, dear. I feel the title is misleading. I am NOT 32. I think I wish I was this age again, but probably not. Hahahaha. So now I know how young you are 😉

      By the way, can I email you? Or email me if you don’t want to put it here. [blue.crystal.monkey@gmail.com] Hugs!

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  6. Ah getting older, always an interesting topic. Thus far I belong more to the younger generation however differences are showing already. My wife is not amused at all about getting wrinkles anywhere so she is plastering her face with all kind of cremes each morning and evening, wonder if it will make any difference 😛

    In the end one is just as old as they think they are. For example my father is 73 now and looks at least ten years younger than others in his age. Is tries to keep up with modern technology, does sport and always had me, his youngest son, to worry about and now his grandson Nathan. I think having young people around keeps him young as wlel 🙂

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    1. Yes, this is why I think staying healthy and active is so important. I’ve been blown away to find out that the man leading our hike is 75 or that the woman across from me is in her 80s.

      I used to want to die young (when I was younger :P) but now I know better. Life is about living well.

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      1. Life has a lot to offer, you just have to do the first step yourself 🙂

        In the last years I did some little hiking tours through the swamps in Finland. I think the average age was sometimes over 70!

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  7. I was a weird kid who worried about my own mortality early and often. As I’ve aged (just a little!) I have begun to discover, as you say, more faith that has started bringing a level of peace to a wide range of life experiences. I still think about mortality and related topics often, but it isn’t always accompanied with that level of despair or sense of pointlessness. I suppose I’ve begun to realize that, at least for me, I don’t have to have all of the answers and, in fact, it’s probably better that I don’t.

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    1. Well said. Since my father died when I was young, I thought about death a great deal, so I understand what you are saying. But now that I’m getting older, I feel like I’m really starting to entertain “What would happen if” and it’s a little maddening. Although, I think it’s just an indication of how badly I want to live.

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  8. Lately many people are surprised when they find out I’m 30, they say I look younger. All of them are 20 something so I wonder if they think you turn into a grandma on your 30th birthday? Anyway, I think I look better than before! I hope I don’t freak out when I start having wrinkles but I don’t think so, I think accepting your age and aging graciously is better than trying to look like 25 when you are 50!

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    1. Yes. I’ve retired short skirts. It’s always really creepy to see a grandma or senior citizen 😛 looking like a teenager. That grasp for youth just looks desperate and it doesn’t look good.

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  9. “Getting older, aging, rocking the ‘ol rocking chair is actually scary and wonderful. Right now, I feel quite attached to being alive. When you are younger, you don’t think about it too much because you are stupid and you don’t realize what you got. But now? I’m flinching at the sun, entertaining dark thoughts and hoping I get to be here long enough to live out my life’s purpose.”

    As you know I’m recovering from a head injury after another cyclist collided into me 2 months ago. So I showed up for work lst time this wk. Part-time for now. I didn’t bother getting my haircut, didn’t bother with makeup(which I haven’t used for past few years): I look tired and slightly crappy. I WANTED to look tired, because I am recovering from an injury.

    And I told people: I was lucky… I’m normal still. I don’t need to look beautiful, to prove my point that I don’t have blurred vision, speech, etc.

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    1. Very true. Any experience that rocks your being/health let’s you know very quickly what’s important and what’s not. I remember taking college English with a really mean woman. Then she went away to her father’s funeral and she came back a completely changed woman. She was kind and patient. The turnaround was astounding.

      So, it’s back to work then? Well, I hope you take it easy! I’m glad you are okay, too.

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      1. Very interesting transformation for that woman. That’s great for her and she’s probably enjoying life a whole lot better.

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  11. “Frack” – Battlestar Galactica. 32 years old. I am currently wearing a T shirt that is older than that. My son who is visiting said to me as I met him at the airport, “Dad, are you doing some kind of reverse aging thing?” Doesn’t take much to make my day.

    Best wishes and may you live long and prosper. Bet you don’t know where that first appeared. No not there. It is from Romeo and Juliet. (In Act 5 Scene 3 line 42 of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, Romeo says to Balthasar, “Live and be prosperous, and farewell good fellow.”) See the stuff you find out when you get older.

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    1. Yeaaaa! Battlestar it is! And I did NOT know that quote came from Romeo and Juliet and I was in that play in high school! Agggg.

      It’s kind of funny because when my students tell me what year they were born, I can do the math and figure out I was in college or someplace and I think, my goodness I’m getting up there.

      I agree with your son, you are a great example of “aging” without seeming to. Your next book. Your anti-aging secrets! 😀

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  12. Just in the last few days – smog throat, molar extracted, and now I have my first head cold in 10 years. So today I understand that Bette Davis quote, “Getting old isn’t for sissies.” But I’ll be better. Just take some fish oil and reishi mushrooms and I’ll be like new.

    Just a thought: The teenaged students I taught when I first came to Thailand are now in their 50s.

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  13. “Getting old isn’t for sissies”. Yea, my Mom said that too when she was 80. Her lungs didn’t work so well and she couldn’t feel her legs below her knees.

    Lani, you ain’t old! You live a full experiential life in Thailand that people aspire to for retirement who are decades older then you.

    Women have trouble turning toward the odd numbered decades; we men have trouble with the even ones. Women flip out when they approach or turn 30 and 50. Men start getting depressed when they get toward 40 and 60.

    I’m pushing 60 and I’ve got somewhat depressed about it, but I’m still slim and wear the same pant size I did in high school. I don’t like my wrinkles but I sure do appreciate the greatest thing that comes with time on the this planet —- Wisdom.

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    1. Your comment reminds of probably one of the greatest aspects of living overseas, meeting folks from all ages and from so many countries.

      I know I’m not really old, but sometimes I feel that way when I see all of these young bloggers! And from time to time, we are reminded of our fading youth.

      Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful and the post was mostly supposed to be snarky and funny, so perhaps I wasn’t very good at communicating that. In any case, thank you.

      By the way, when will the wisdom show up? 😛

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  14. I love your quote pictures! Oh my, laughing my a$$ off the whole way through your post.
    Also, the answer to the question about Frack… I hope you got that from BSG because then you would be even more awesome than you already are. 🙂
    My frame of mind about my aging is that I am only as old as I feel. I still feel 25 (better in some ways even) even though I am …cough cough… ahem 35.

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    1. Big points for BSG and that you caught my humor. I think you made my morning. Whew.

      I actually don’t feel young anymore, but this is not a bad thing necessarily. This doesn’t mean I’m stuffy and serious (obviously) or stuffy serious, so much as I feel like I’m running out of time.

      Or another way to look it is, there is so much I want to do. xxoo

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      1. I feel you there. So much to do… So much fun to be had… Makes you realize that it must be done now! Now just to win the lottery (that I never actually play) .

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  15. As scary as it sounds, getting older is the best! if you have figured out how not to care what others think you are way ahead of the game! It took me much longer to figure that one out. Getting older has so many wonderful joys that come along with it. Enjoy the ride!!

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  16. I’m at the other end of the spectrum. I turn 33 tomorrow and I’m fully OK with it. Sure, my hair looks sad. I’m getting wrinkles, my eyelids look kind of droopy, god knows I have the body of a 40 year old already, and vaginal dryness is a thing. It just is, and I’m in denial about that but that’s it. I think what REALLY helped me be OK with aging was working with senior citizens for years. Having people tell you every time they see you to enjoy your youth and tell you that you are an asshole when you try to talk about your cellulite in solidarity, is kind of great. And it kind of reminds you to get as much as you can into life now because someday, it really is harder and not attainable.

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    1. I love your perspective. I would imagine working with seniors would do that, indeed. I think what helps me is I have friends from a variety of ages and backgrounds, part of that is being an expat and part of it has to do with blogging. And I love that.

      So, the key is to hang out with people older than you! Hahahaha. Then you will feel forever young 😉

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  17. Ah, but at heart I think you are still 32 (or perhaps 23?). It’s all about how old you feel (and I’ll probably need someone to remind me that when I’m 55, haha). I noticed too that, although I’m almost 30, I feel loads more attractive and confident than when I was 20. Most people say life is a learning process and maybe that’s it–the older you get, the more you come to peace with everything.

    I remember in Thailand I met an older woman traveler, she said she was from Holland. We went out to dinner, had drinks, talked, and when we finally asked each other the dreaded ‘how old are you’ question, I found out she was 50 and I almost fell out of my chair–she looked no older than 35! She wasn’t caked in make-up or a victim of plastic surgery, either; I think the fact that she’s STILL doing solo trips at 50, going diving, exploring the jungle, and seeing the world (when most Americans think ‘youre too old to do anything’) is really what made the difference. Despite being 55, she had the heart of a young traveler: and it showed!

    And also, maintaining health like you mentioned… it’s key!

    We’re only as old as we act! aha

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    1. And yet to see an old person acting way too young looks pathetic and sad. Everyone’s comments has given me much more to think about than my original snarky post.

      But maybe I need to snap out of this and start thinking I’m younger. Sometimes I feel like all of the ages have gotten switched around. When folks say, your 30s are the new 20s and so on. There is some truth to that.

      At the same time, we seem to be “maturing” younger.

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    1. It was actually a little tricky to find you. Your gravatar has the wrong link. Was that on purpose? It says @wordpress as opposed to the .wordpress url.

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      1. Thank you for telling me. I just changed it, please let me know, if it is still a problem. I was wondering why I was having problems. Thanks again. 🙂

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  20. I got a charge out of this post! So much of it is so true! 😀

    I look at photos of myself over the past several decades. I am always taken aback by how pretty I was – and yet, at the time the photos were taken, I never saw it. The same is true for my friends. We look at our younger selves and wonder why we were so hard on ourselves.

    I’m not so hard on myself now. Perhaps that’s one of the benefits of growing older.

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    1. Perhaps this is normal, or perhaps were are the lucky ones that have figured this out.

      No more being hard on ourselves! Time to move on! 😛

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  21. Love the writing, Lani Love. Understood aaall of it ;-). But for me life is easier to live and it is easier to be happy. The hard work and all the self development stuff seem to find its way. I keep that in mind when I see my skine reaching my toes!!! And once in awhile people think I am their age, when they could be my children… and then I glow and grow infinitely!!! But maybe it is what Ruby Ronin wrote, maybe it has something to do with the Dutch… hahaha… 🙂
    Aloha, sweetest, and have a great time over there! Eat for me too!

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    1. Miss you dear! You will look young forever because you have a nice round beautiful face and smooth skin. You take good care of yourself and it shows. I no longer can get away with looking any younger than my age except in softer light. Hahahhaa.

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  22. Someone once said to me that even though they were getting old they never felt depressed about having another birthday because they knew lots people who would have loved to make it to their age and never got the chance. Already at nearly 30 I know people who would have loved to make it to this age and never got the chance.

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    1. Powerful and a very excellent point. I lost a dear high school friend recently so your words hit home. I will remember that always now 🙂

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