What NOT to do on Valentine’s Day

Today is not a good day to confess your love for someone. Actually, no day is really a good day for this kind of thing. I remember when I lived with 3 other very strange people in Eugene Oregon. (I’m deeply scarred from that experience, particularly from catching my landlady pleasuring herself – why did she leave the door open? And I wasn’t grossed out because she was doing the deed, so much as from the facial expressions she was making.)

After a week or so after I had moved in, and settled into my attic room, one of my roommates, let’s call him Joe (not his real name but really close), came in for a visit. He was older than me; overall an average guy, but I remember him best by his mullet and bright white tennis shoes.

I was sitting under my canopy bed which I had created, and squeaking around on my air mattress trying to get comfortable. Jim, I mean, JOE, was sitting on my freshly covered sectional sofa of shinny purple. The lighting wasn’t good so he was sitting in a bit of darkness.

I’m not sure what we were talking about, but I remember Joe hemming and hawing and then finally confessing, “You know, I fell in love with you from the moment I saw you.”

The moment I saw you was on the back deck of the house, at night and he might have had a guitar. I don’t rightfully recall. I just remember feeling relieved over the fact that I had found a place to live having just relocated from Durango, Colorado.

Look, guys, Hollywood is a systematic set of lies, and confessions of “I fell in love with you from the moment I saw you” – while that might sound good and feel true, these things are actually terrifically terrifying ways to make a girl leap out of her seat and run.

I know you all think me cruel, poor Jim Joe, but c’mon, he’d known me for a week, maybe two? Is this something you say while in a young lady’s bedroom? Is this something you say in lieu of your first move?? Maybe this is something you declare on your first wedding anniversary.

Okay, fine, hate me. But I’m still going to write about the things you should avoid doing on Valentine’s Day anyway. You’re welcome.

1. Taking off all your clothes, covering yourself in honey and letting that dying breed, called bees, land on your hot body and yelling, “It hurts. Oh god, it hurts.”

2. Dropping an anonymous love letter into that guy’s locker. If you do, don’t expect him to respond. Mark, you suck.

3. Don’t say, “What’s wrong with you?” in bed…or “Are you done yet?” Apparently it kills the mood.

4. Don’t ever, ever throw a girl’s stuffed animal on the floor to make room on the bed. Gently pick up the teddy bear, give it a smile and place it somewhere like on a chair or desk nicely. #howfightsstart

5. Avoid that’s what he said/she said jokes on first date.

6. Lip reading. Most people can’t read lips and end up playing with their phones. #awkward

7. Tell me what other girls did for you on Valentine’s Day. #brilliant

8. Instead of “hello”, greet your neighbor with the noises she was making late last night.

9. When a guy tells you he likes you, don’t laugh. He wasn’t joking. I mean, he might not be joking.

10. Forgive him when he takes a peek at your naked body while practicing for his professional massage certificate and course. After all, he did tell you he fell in love with you, the moment he saw you.

Happy VD.