The impermanence of life seems to be the theme lately. Things that seemed solid suddenly have become rather flimsy. Construction that moved slowly has picked up. Former loves have become recent hates. The whole snake swallowing its own tail thingy has made me wonder which was is up and which way is down.
TV shows and audio books play into the current channel that my life seems to be broadcasting too. And I’m reminded that the future is promised to no one. In other words, things that I took for granted are saying, Hey don’t take me for granted.
This thought could be rather depressing. But I don’t think you can effectively move through life getting upset over changes, resistance and impermanence. It seems whenever you feel settled, complacent and relaxed, the powers that be throw a little fairy dust your way. And you could be like, Goddamn it, I can’t see with all this glitter and dust in my eyes! Or you could be like, Well, I better not do anything until I can see better.
So I’m waiting until I can see more clearly or until the life stops shifting so much. But the ironic thing about waiting and impermanence is you are forced to pay attention to the present moment. At least you can be reminded of this important fact of life and living.
I remember when I was dating Mr. Angry and was getting ready for my flight out of Florida. It was the vacation that should have warned me of how bad we were together but, I was young and stupid. If my nickname for him was Mr. Angry then my nickname at the time was Mrs. Low Self-Esteem. Anyway, he had returned from the parking lot and was wandering around the airport wondering where the heck I was. He thought I went to the gate without saying goodbye. But I went to the bathroom.
When we found each other just minutes before I had to go. He said, “Where have you been? I have been looking everywhere for you!” And then he said something I have never forgotten, “I don’t have time to be mad at you!” He hugged me and I thought about the brilliance of his words. Isn’t it funny that we have time to be mad at somebody?
When my days are numbered at a job or a town or specific place, I’ve noticed how much I start to just look around and enjoy the little things that I currently took for granted. A lot of expats on their departure from Thailand go through their “I’ll miss this list” and we all smile and wonder where the time went because we are saying goodbye.
Sometimes I wonder when I’m going to catch an emergency break but then I decided I can focus on what is going right in my life or what is going wrong. This of course, is a lot harder than it seems and is also very easy to do. Depending on how you want to look at it.
*No, I’m not dying. Just remembering that one day I will…Cheers!